Bereavement Groups

There are many types of support groups everywhere, but bereavement groups are specifically for losing a loved one. It's normally a group of people that are going through the same experience as you and they can relate to everything you are feeling. They would be able to provide a support by making suggestions on how to cope or just guiding you through the stages of the grief. New relationships can develop in this types of situations and a close bond can form. Even though someone has been lost, a new person can be found.

Here are two local bereavement groups that are in Charlotte - "The Respite, A Center of Grief & Hope" and "Soul Widows."

The first is designated to people who have suffered a great tragedy, a loss of a loved one, a trauma or life shaking event. The group uses a holistic approach to provide a variety of healing methods and offers hope to anyone that's in need of it. They want the feeling of grief to feel welcome, so that hope can be provided for the next day.

The second is for widows who have experienced the loss of their spouse or significant other. An intimate group setting is provided, so that the women feel comfortable in sharing their grief by speaking and listening to each other's stories. Each person can tell their story, while having the feeling of support at the sametime by being in a safe environment.

I discussed the idea bereavement groups with a few people, some said they would attend if the situation came about that they lost someone and I also talked with someone that had actually been. She said it helped it very much and she was glad she went.

"The View"

"The View" is a group of four amazing, successful women and I have known them for about a year now. They meet every Saturday to play catch up and just as they like to put it talk about "anything and everything". I've sat in on a few sessions and I must say all of them are quite a catch. I love hearing about each of their stories or experiences and watching them make each other laugh. Anyone can feel the love, warmth, appreciation they all have for each other while being around the group.

All of the women come from different backgrounds and geographical areas, but two things brought them all together and that was tennis and being members of Raintree Country Club. Some of the ladies have known each other for about thirty years and others only for seven. Regardless, no matter how much time has gone by they have all managed to maintain relationships with each other, which is very important. Every one of them participates in their own personal activities, but they all make sure to make time for each other. The group will visit friends that are in retirement homes together and they will go out to eat occasionally as well. 

This group provides a whole other support system for each of them, outside of family and spouses. The group has been there for each other through surgeries on ankles and elbows, decisions to make the transition into a retirement home and when someone close has passed away. The group has had many good laughs and cries too, but it was all done together. 

All of these women have a spectacular connection with each other and it's great to see because as an elder its important to have this types of relationships. The relationships can help you get thorough the day, see the bright side of things and make sure there is a future. 

Milt - Member of S.P.I.C.E and S.A.G.E

Milt was a former dentist, who moved from New York with his wife. He decided to retire because of a combined decision between finances and health. He retired in stages from working part time, then he worked for the army in Vietnam for two years, and then finally fully retired. Him and his wife decided to move down here to be closer to family and it wasn't a hard adjustment for him personally because he had already been retired for two years previously. But it was for his wife, she had just retired two days before they were suppose to move and that's two big lifestyle changes that took place back to back. Milt added that it did affect their relationship some because they were more reliant on each other when they first moved to Charlotte because they didn't know many people. Overall, it helped to enhance their relationship in the end.

Being retired, it allowed Milt to accomplish some incredible things in his new found free time. He ran the New York marathon, sailed in a race with a friend and climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro in Africa, which is 20,000 feet.

Milt helped in the creation of S.P.I.C.E as well and was one of the board members on the committee. He is also very involved in S.A.G.E and meets with the group every fourth Monday of the month. With being apart of the group for a long time, Milt has created and maintained many relationships throughout the years. He will  meet with other members of the group outside of meetings and they will attend functions together or have dinner. For example, they will go to the Blumenthal Theater, watch the symphony play or visit museums.

I asked Milt to give someone making a lifestyle change advice and his response was quite intriguing because it was very well thought out. He advised to not hold back on anything because it all could be done and there's finally time to do it, stay active and busy, make sure to have financial security and don't become consumed by fears.  After listening to what he had to say, I thought that really any lifestyle change can be difficult at first, but it doesn't mean it should hold you back. Just work through it, adapt to it and then let new opportunities appear. That's what elders should do when they begin transitioning because it shouldn't be something that prevents them from progressing.

S.P.I.C.E & S.A.G.E

 S.P.I.C.E stands for Special Programs of Interest and Concern to Elders over the age of fifty. They provide activities that are educational about things, such as the arts and humanities. They also do social activities, such as lunches and nights out. The group was created with the intention of primarily focusing on elders and providing them with a variety of different things that would satisfy their still craving interests. Any member of Temple Beth-El and outsiders are allowed to join the group for a small fee and as long as they meet the age requirement.

Some activities they doing or did do are -

October 7th

• 11:00 am -> Rabbi Schindler - "Jewish Humor"
• 12:00 pm -> Lunch - assorted quiches/salad/dessert 
• 12:45 pm -> Mark Washburn, satirical columnist, The Charlotte Observer

In November, they are going to the North Carolina Zoo and have a presentation by Suly Chenkin, a Holocaust survivor. 

S.A.G.E doesn't stand for anything specific but their motto or theme right now is "A Senior Celebration of Our Wisdom and Our Lives." The group shows appreciation for the transition in aging, it teaches others that there is much good involved in it and how to continue developing yourself as a person in order to pass on a legacy to others. The group develops activities that educate elders on the different life cycles, primarirly the ones after marriage, with a Jewish overtone. The group also offers Hebrew classes to those that never really learned it, there are beginning and intermediate levels. 

Some activities they are doing or did do are - 

• The Journey of our Relationship to Judaism - Family and Relationships - The Value of Work
• Gratitude: Appreciating our Blessings and Finding Joy - The Value of Community and Temple
• Giving Back and Building for Others - The Legacy of our Lives and the Measure of our Success
• Closing the Circle - Being at Peace and the Seven Questions Tradition Teaches You Will Be Asked After You Die 

There are many groups out there, such as this two, that provide support, activities, interaction and everything that someone aging could ever need. 

"From AGE-ING to SAGE-ING - A Profound New Vision of Growing Older"

The book called "From AGE-ING to SAGE-ING - A Profound New Vision of Growing Older" written by Zalman Schachter-Shalomi and Ronald S. Miller was a fascinating read. I read the whole first chapter, which was about thirty pages long, and it was completely enlightening. It elaborated on every emotion that one could feel growing older, it provided examples for different situations and it all had a moral behind it. The moral was to never give up, to view this time as another growing period in life and to learn how to leave a legacy behind for others. It also promoted the importance of accepting oneself and finding self peace. Many things discussed in this book can be related back to the values and beliefs of S.P.I.C.E and S.A.G.E. I would highly recommend reading this.

Here are some of my favorite quotes -

"Then what are elders? They are wisdom keepers who have an ongoing responsibility for maintaining society's well being and safeguarding the health of our ailing planet Earth"

"Serving as mentors, they pass on the distilled essence of their life experience to others. The joy of passing on wisdom to younger people not only seeds the future, but crowns an elder's life with worth and nobility."

"We fear being institutionalized in nursing homes, losing our autonomy, and becoming emotional and financial burdens on our loved ones."

"From this perspective, we can think of aging as a kind of 'natural monastery' in which earlier roles, attachments, and pleasures are naturally stripped away from us. What then can emerge is a miraculous sense of discovery, an extraordinary energy that transcends 'doing' in favor of 'being,' and a clarity of consciousness that comes from spiritual growth."

"If these images are positive, if our 'elders within' are healthy, involved, active, and full of life and learning, then the gift of extended life might hold the promise and unprecedented expansion of our opportunities for growth, adventure, wisdom, experience and love."

Kathleen Lebedz

Kathleen is another member of Raintree Country Club, who I have had the pleasure of getting to know over the past year or so. She retired from being a freelance court reporter and she had no difficulties adjusting at all. She said something that I really like and it was "I believe you don't retire from something, but retire to something." That saying perfectly describing the transition to aging and how elders should view it because once someone retires or does age, it doesn't mean that their life is over. Another door is opening up and they get another chance to live again. The experience is something amazing and fulfilling, not something dreadful.

She is one of the most busiest people I've ever met because she manages to play golf with friends, her husbands and groups that she had joined at the club. Kathleen is a member of the RWGA (Raintree Women Golf Association) 18-Hole Ladies League, RWGA Board, Couples Event and the Rules and Grievance Committee.  At her church, she is a part of the Disaster Committee and Extraordinary Minister. She will also volunteer at Habitats for Humanities and the Charlotte/Douglas Airport. Some of the social groups she is involved in is New Friends and CEO (Chick's Evening Out).

All of the groups or things Kathleen participates in allows her to achieve that feeling of gratification, social with friends old or new, and stay active all at the same. Instead of doing something separate to maintain each thing, such as health, mind stimulation, socialization, she combines many of them together. For example, by playing golf and being a part of the RWGA 18-Hole Ladies League, she is able to interact with friends, be active and do something mind stimulating.

While talking with Kathleen, she brought a very good point and it was that it is incredibly imperative to maintain relationships. For example, if you ever need surgery, you'll need people to be there to help you recover and to encourage you to get better. Another example, in the case of losing a loved one, you'll need someone else to take the place of that support system that you don't have anymore. They could help you through the grieving process and to move on. Sometimes, elders don't always think about this things and they could be very important in the future. Everything is almost cause and effect in a sense, so it's better to be prepared if necessary.

Carol - Member of S.P.I.C.E and S.A.G.E

Carol is a member of S.P.I.C.E and has been a part of it since the very creation of group that took place 8 years ago. She was a family therapist that worked for Jewish Family Services for many years and then she decided to retired because of memory loss. She was concerned that she would forget essential information of her clients and she didn't want to cause them any worry. It wasn't hard for her to adjust because she was finally able to dedicate her time to things she was passionate about. She began volunteering at a group called Shalom Bayit, which educates people about domestic abuse and provides support for victims. She's a part of two book clubs, Socrates's Cafe Club and she teaches a parenting class about divorce on the side. All of these things keep her busy, keep her mind stimulated and allow her to keep up with relationships.

Carol meets with S.P.I.C.E every Monday of each month and each meeting is set aside for something different. For example, the first and third ones are for discussing new activity ideas. The second and forth ones are solely for the S.A.G.E group, which is a branch of S.P.I.C.E that is dedicated towards the education of how life ages and how life has been affected with a Jewish overtone. Both S.P.I.C.E and S.A.G.E are involved at Temple Beth-El, which is a reformed Jewish temple here in Charlotte.

Carol was part of the steering committee that began S.P.I.C.E and S.A.G.E because they wanted to have a separate place or group where elders could focus on socializing, keeping up with cultural things like the arts and humanities, and education about the jewish religion. All of those things are imperative when transitioning into a new age because many elders can wilt and drift away because they feel as if their life could be over. Some elders could have lost their spouse and may not know what they should do with themselves after, but with the help of programs such as S.P.I.C.E and S.A.G.E, they can learn how to have a purpose again. New relationships can be created, old ones could be rekindled and there's an assortment of things that one could do to stay preoccupied. Both programs allow any members of the temple to join and outsiders as well.  They just have to meet the age requirement of course.

Carol gave me a very in depth insight of what elders can experience by giving me a general overview of what it was like to counsel them. She would help them cope with the transition, health problems, financial issues, living alone because of the lose of a spouse. Certain elders would admit themselves to the therapy, sometimes family members would and even doctors occasionally. Carol would make recommendations to reach other out to others, began volunteering because it would provide feelings of gratification, and become involved in groups or more in church. These are types of things that an elder would experience and sometimes they don't realize that there are still plenty of things out there for them to do.

Joe Facciolo

Joe is another member of Raintree Country Club and I've gotten to know him very while I've worked at the club. Joe is a retired treasurer, who has controlled budgets and cash flows, for major corporations. He has always been in finance for all of his working career and his decision for retirement came about very unexpectedly. The company he had been working for had been sold to a competitor and he didn't really want to retire. The only way, he could continue working was if he moved up to New York and he didn't want to, so it was decided that it would be best to retire instead. It was hard adjusting at first because that structure was gone and he had to find new things to occupy his day.

Joe began golfing four times a week and became more involved with his church. Both of these activities, help keep his mind stimulated, socialize with friends and create new relationships. At his church, he is a part of the Men's Club and they meet once a month to play poker. They also contribute to many charities and there are three things Joe is primarily a part of when it comes to the fundraising part. He helps out with the Christmas tree sales,  fish dinner sales and their annual golf tournament. They were able to raise $50,000 one year and that's an amazing amount. He is able to recapture that feeling of gratification by doing all the fundraising and he is also interacting with many people.

After making a lifestyle change, Joe advises that one should find a hobby to keep up with and that's it is important to fulfill their dreams. He was able to fulfill some of his, which were traveling to North Quebec and going remote island fishing. Don't let anything keep you from doing what you want and there's nothing wrong with being a little selfish.

Joe is a good example of an elder that was having a hard time adapting at first, but was able to overcome the fear and now is able to do the things he wasn't able to do before while working full time.  He still keeps busy, stays active and maintains relationships with new and old friends. Those are all the things most elders need to keep living and to have a purpose again.

Sunrise Senior Living

I visited Sunrise Senior Living here in Charlotte and it was really amazing to see everything first hand. I say that because most people think of retirement homes as somewhere that means death or abandonment. Once you are admitted to one, your life was meant to end, but that's not true. I was able to see first hand how happy all the residents were there and how much the staff loved doing their jobs.

Sunrise was started by Paul and Terry Klaassen around 32 years ago and they wanted to project the image that a retirement home was a "true home". They bought a building, decorated everything themselves and then began their business. At first, they only cared for one or two people, but it eventually multiplied greatly. Sunrise is now national and has some international connections as well. Paul and Terry created Sunrise's values and principles, which each place still follows today. 

The Sunrise here in Charlotte can hold 95 residents and they cater to individuals, who need memory care, have physical disabilities, have had a stroke, just need a place to live for the time being or need care until it is time to go.  Before being admitted, each potential resident is assessed for the level of care they will need and then an individual service plan is determined. Once admitted, residents can bring their own furniture and even own a pet. The pets are usually cats or preferably small dogs. This particular Sunrise presently has a house cat and in the past they even had a resident dog, which everyone shared.  Residents have the ability to make the retirement home feel like a "true home", they have a plethora of activities they can participate in and they have the ability to socialize with new people. 

The activities at Sunrise are broken down into categories of "Mind, Body and Spirit." For example for "Mind", there is word games, Simon Says and trivia games. There's an abundance of different types of exercise activities, which are mostly done from chairs so that residents, who don't have the physical ability to do extraneous things can still participate. For "Spirit, there's hymn singing groups and entertainers will come in to play guitar or piano, while singing with the residents as well. Through all the activities, residents have the ability to easily maintain mind stimulation, discover new interests and people, stay active and stay involve in things that they like. 

Care managers at Sunrise are all certified nurses and enjoy working specifically with the elderly. All the staff members that are hired and volunteers even have to have a interest in caring for the elderly as well.  Each manager cares for a few specific residents, so that a relationship can be created with each other. They followed a philosophy called I.E.A (Invite, Engage and Assist), which they use with the residents. For example, they will invite the residents to do something, then engage them to peak their interest in it and then if assistance is needed then it is provided. 

When viewing Sunrise as a whole and realizing how much effort is put into everything, all you can be is appreciative because of all the work and people that are there to make sure you succeed as an elder. They want to help you keep on living and to have purpose. That's truly amazing. 

List of Senior/Retirement Homes

Here's a website that will provide a master list of all retirement homes in the area and areas that are nearby as well. When you click on each home, there are reviews and another link that will lead you to the official website of that particular home. Address locations are accessible as well. This link is a very quick and easy way to learn about everything you will need to make the right decision. 

List of Senior/Retirement Homes

Mike Taylor

Mike has been a member of Raintree Country Club for many years and has developed very close relationships while being there. He managed insurance branches for sea vessels for a very long time, but then him and his wife decided to start a printing business. There wasn't an exact time when he decided to retire, but eventually did because he had made a lucrative profit off the printing business that he would be financially able to do it. It was very easy adapting to not having a regular job, when it can be very hard for others because that one thing provided so much structure in their lives.

Ironically even after retiring, Mike decided to get a part time job to primarily stay active and he was hired by Harris Teeter. He works four times a week for approximately four hours each shift. His wife is also an accountant there for only two days a week. During his shift, he will bring in carts, bag groceries and do maintenance.  As I mentioned earlier in the paragraph, he is able to stay active because he is constantly standing or moving around and he can also socialize with customers.

Mike would play golf occasionally on the weekends with his wife and daughter, but that would be the only time. Finally after retiring, he was able to play three times a weeks. On the days when he does not golf, he will walk a few miles. He is consistently staying active to maintain his health and that's really important when it comes to getting older.

Mike shared a personal experience with me and it really brought to light what I'm trying to promote. He's father had dementia and it fell on his mother to take care of the father. His mother's purpose slowly turned only into caring for his father and that was it. Sometime later, the father passed away and his mother was then put into a retirement home. While taking care of his father, she had been consumed with caring for him that nothing else was as important, but when she was at the retirement home she was finally able to thrive again. The retirement home became her new home, they provided a place to stay, hot meals and people to have relationships with. She enjoy the "happy hour" that she received there, which was where all the residents got to socialize with each other. On weekends, his sister would take their mom out to lunch and go shopping together. Mike watched his mother come back to life again and be happy, not that she wasn't when the father was living. But she could finally focus on herself and her needs again.

With losing a loved one or being put into a retirement homes, some elders will withdraw into themselves and just wither away. But Mike's mom is a prime example that it can be possible to start over again and enjoy life.

Personal Experiences

I have had two personal experiences that have influenced my choice in topic very greatly. My own grandma has been experiencing memory loss over the past few years and I've watched her withdraw into herself. Talking to her is very different from what it use to be because she will either ask the same questions, change her stories or exaggerate situations. She use to be extremely active by attending swimming classes and walking each week. She was more involved in church as well and would teach a class each Sunday morning. Now, she doesn't have the desire to teach it anymore, so she just stopped doing it. Her and my grandpa stopped interacting with friends as well and now the only interactions they have are with immediate family or with each other. It's almost sad to see how much she has change and it's not exactly for the best.

Another time was when I was volunteering for National Honor Society at a senior caring center and we put on a Valentine Day's party for them. We all made them cards, ate with them and danced too. I loved seeing their faces light up with joy, when we began conversing with them because they were extremely happy to have someone listen to them. It was always fun to find a common interest because they were all very acknowledge in whatever area, so they would teach me stuff that I didn't even know. Seeing them dance was priceless because they all had so much fun and you could tell it made their day. I felt extremely good after that experience and actually found myself smiling for the rest of the day as well.

Alzheimer's Awareness Month

November is Alzheimer's Awareness Month. The color to show support is purple.